Saturday, 19 April 2014

How difficult it was to move on?

I really contradict the people’s idea that moving on is just applicable to those people who had been in a relationship but I gotta say no it is not. As long as you loved someone, then he/she doesn’t love you back, well I can say that it is a choice for you to move on.
It really sounds crazy right now but I’m writing this blog post in front of the person I fell in love (but also hate). He’s lying over there, resting. But I came up to this point that I should really give up on him. He placed me through lots difficulties and heartaches. But I’m doing this again. I hope I can say that now I completely moved on, but I guess that’s just too hard for me to say that it is official.


It is because we want to keep on moving forward. We want to look for something that will make our life a lot more interesting, than being stuck in misery. Like the reason why we’re studying, we study because we want to get a job in the future that will help us to pursue our dreams and that will live our families. We want to grow old, and die in happiness.
And now in love, we want to keep on moving forward because we feel the need to be happy, to be satisfied and have a settlement in the future. Love is not something we need to get hesitate with, although sometimes we are getting confused at the start. Once you confirmed that if that is love, well there is no need for you to be unsure at all. It is something you need to look up to, something you need to face, and something you need to confess. Because once you get afraid on saying what you truly feel for the particular person, it’ll break you into tiny pieces.


It is really hard to move on. I promise you, it is not like “I will wake up tomorrow then everything will be fine”. Moving on is not something like that. It is something like “OMG! I CAN’T TAKE THIS AT ALL”. You have lots of emotional scenes, wants to be alone scenario, not eating and doing anything needed. It is something that we suffer for like so many months and sometimes for many years. We have those sleepless nights, thinking all the “what ifs”. In short, moving on is clearly the hardest thing a person needs to overcome.


We’re constantly saying that “OMG girl I moved on now, I completely forget about him”. But sometimes, in just a snap, every progress you made will be wasted. I went through for so many, “YES! I moved on for like 75% now”, then all of a sudden, I saw myself crying over him again. I got tired of everything, and now I want to give up, totally give up, but I just can’t stop from caring, staring etc. I KNOW! It was kinda creepy but if you’re totally in love with someone, you know what I mean, if ever in your fall in love.


I can clearly remember how many times I denied, rejected hanging out with him or talking to him. I ignored him a lot, I became a total snob, but in so many ways, I still want him to stay. I want him to stay by my side forever. But I’m totally getting irritated whenever I’m with him. Can you see the contrast? It’s quite annoying, promise, but when you’re in love; it is, somehow, like that. But now that I know he is not interested at all, I’m completely devastated. I still want him to be by my side but now that I wasted it, I guess I have to give up that everything will never be the same again. Never again.


In my case, why it is a lot more difficult it was for me to move on is that I kept on reminiscing the good times, the times where we’re still laughing, talking and comfortable with each other. What makes me frustrated right now is that I don’t know why he’s not talking to me, not looking to me the same way as he did in the past few months, and even the way he interacts with me.
My situation with him is always so vague, that’s why I’m trying my very best to remember “what I did? What happened? What I’m going to do? I shouldn’t say that. I’m wrong.” In the end I’m the loser. In the end it is me that I blame, not him. I’m the one who made the wrong move and used the wrong words. I’m always the one who’s going to regret a lot.


It is not easy to move on, like I said. It is not like forgetting doing your homework at night then remember it the next morning and do it before the period comes then done. It is not like that. Moving on requires not only time, but lots and lots of effort. I’m been in a situation where in my frustration I cut my hair, I’m getting a lot more concentrated on the drama of my life rather than anything important. There are times that I just want to give up, don’t want to attend any training in fear of seeing him again, her girl or not even go to his town. I’m afraid of everything. But I realized that it is not making me move. It doesn’t have any good effect to me, so as hard as it is, I’m trying to MOVE ON.

I’m not turning my back to the pain. I’m facing them, absorbing them, and let it hurt me, because in the end I know, that this pain will fade away. The wound that he caused will be just a scar, and then be gone.

I give up. I’m giving him up. I know that he will never ever fall for me. He will not look at me the same way as he does when we were still okay. I know that it’ll never be the same. There is a thick wall between me and him, and I know that breaking that wall will never be easy, because we’re awkward to each other and we’re not talking.

I’m trying to look for something else. I said that if ever I can’t win in love, then I’ll rather win in different aspect. I’m going to concentrate to my grades, college life, meeting tons of new people and the like.
I keep on thinking that my life is not all about him, and my future will never ever be him. What is the point of thinking, caring about him if he doesn’t even care about you? I’m just tiring myself.

I’m taking my time. For me moving on is not as fast as we imagine it was. It is unlike those romance novels and movies where they got their heart broken, someone will come up to their life to bring their broken pieces together. In reality, it is not like that. That’s why I’m taking my time to forget about it.

And the last thing I do is trying to love myself more. I can still remember a quote from Christopher Poindexter saying that “And in the end we were all just humans, drunk on the idea that love, only love could heal our brokenness.” That line sinks in to me, but not in a way that I’m going to find a new one to love. It is about loving yourself more than anyone else, because the biggest love you can give is only to yourself. I know is sounds kinda selfish but there is a reason why our heart is inside us. It is because we need to hide it first to ourselves before spreading it to other people. Love yourself so you could heal the brokenness. The biggest portion of the love we releases should always be given to ourselves. And now isn’t that what you call love?

I can still remember the movie “Frozen”. For me, what made the movie interesting is that it is unlike the usual fairy tale that “in the end they live happily ever after with her prince charming”. There is said that only true love can heal her frozen heart, and the one that cured her was her sister’s love, not anyone else’s.
I also got lots of advices from my close friends that I should rather go love myself more, because that what makes me suffer hard time. And they always say that it is the best decision in order to cure your heart. Finding true love is not easy, but the sincerest love you can have is the love you can give to yourself, the ones from your family and friends. And in the end, we’ll be able to move on and live our lives forward.
So I hope you guys got something in this another love entry from me, again and again and again and again. Hahaha. I know that my blog has been full of love. I should’ve made this blog a love post, not too random. Hahaha. Feel free to leave comments! J

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